What Comes Out
I started using Scrivener about a month ago because I had heard good things about it and after using it for a trial period I could see that it did help me keep my writing projects more organized so I didn’t have to jump around to a few different Google Drives to see where I had started that one thing or see if it was on my notes app or if I had scribbled something in one of the hundred different Field Notes notebooks I had going with no rhyme or reason.
Because I am of a certain age and also a parent I have recently been looking back on my own childhood for ideas of what to do and what most definitely under any circumstances to not do. Fortunately, the distinction between the two does not have any gray area it’s either “sure, this could be fun” or “no, no, no, no, never, not in a million years”. On Instagram I see friends post various memes and screenshots of inspirational quotes about generational stuff stopping with them. At first, I didn’t think much of it but the more I looked back and dug into my own childhood the more I realized that there were in fact things that absolutely need to stop with me. Things I do not want to pass on or inflict on my own Tiny Human.
It’s a strange feeling looking back at what you once thought was normal only to realize how completely fucked up it was. There are times I still wonder how I ended up as a functional member of society with a healthy relationship and a stable life. Any time I bring up anything from my childhood or past with my mother I get either a non-answer or “I don’t remember” and that sucks because I have to either push further with different questions (sometimes that works) or forget it so I can heal and move on (that has happened more than I like). Sometimes, even for events that I want answers or acknowledgement of all I get is a “sorry honey, I don’t remember that” and I have to accept the fuckuppedness of it all and move on.
All that to say that sometimes what we have been raised to believe is normal and acceptable is neither. You can choose to stop things with you and not perpetuate them to the next generation, it’s not necessarily easy but it can be done. You are not obligated to forgive and forget just because it’s family.