In the Hopper

Lots going on.

Planning birthday parties for the Tiny Human.

Planning for house guests.

Selling more typewriters.

Working on stories.

Working on posts for this page.

Staying hydrated.

It’s a lot.

I’ve got a couple in the hopper that will be cathartic.

The more I think about and process events of my childhood the more I recognize how truly fucked up some of it was. So much time and energy wasted going along with whatever I had to to keep the peace or not upset my grandparents. So much time and energy wasted in church and on religion that did nothing but create anxiety and self-esteem issues.

Can’t change the past but I can move forward.

Auntagonist

For a long as I can remember I have never had a good or normal relationship with my mother’s Middle Sister.

Even though I didn’t have the language for it and couldn’t exactly put my tiny finger on it at the time there was a competition for attention between me and Middle Sister for my mother’s attention. Nothing close to a normal aunt/nephew relationship. And since my mother has always been the same she never said or did anything in my defense or on my behalf. 

In recent years, Middle Sister has essentially become desocialized more often acting feral than behaving within societal norms. Not in the fun way like an eccentric artist, musician, or writer, but more like the type of person that you screen their calls and pretend to look busy if you see them approaching. 

In the last 20 years I have only been able to spend time with my mother without Middle Sister being involved a handful of times and I had to pay out of pocket for her travel to come visit me. Since her only grandchild has been born it has been like pulling teeth to get my mother to spend time with her and I have given up asking. I suspect Middle Sister is behind this too with her strange need for attention from my mother. I’m not sure how but I have a legitimate suspicion considering history. Recently, I asked my mother, in no uncertain terms, why she is so beholden to Middle Sister. Did something happen? Is there a blood oath? Because the sibling dynamic between them is so far from normal you can’t even see normal from there. 

At some point, probably after my maternal grandfather died, Middle Sister took the mantle of being the family bully. She will scream and yell until she gets her way even if it makes no sense or is problematic for anyone else. I have a whole other post coming up about how I spent my last week in Chicago in 2016 as a direct result of her behavior and lack of control. There are many, many, many instances that I remember when she was awful to me and her behavior went unchallenged regardless of how it affected me. 

One incident that stands out as part of the modern era bullshit she has pulled on me happened in 2008 and it was hella petty and ridiculous for a grown woman to act the way she did. 

I did one year of a Ph.D. program in English at a mid-major university and after one year I knew that the program and professional academic life was not for me. The plan was I was going to spend a week in Chicago before moving on to the next adventure. A friend had asked me to come work with his church on the east coast and it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was not a good idea. 

I was at the Tulsa airport and was short of funds for the overweight bag fee. I called my mother and asked her to deposit $100 into my account which was a Chicago based bank with no nearby branches. She agreed and after paying the highway robbery baggage fee I was headed to the gate ready to put the last year behind me. 

My flight landed mid-afternoon. I asked my mother if we could go to the ATM the next day since it had already been a long day, I was tired, and emotionally exhausted. All I wanted to do was take a shower, have a snack, and watch LOST. I thought everything was fine and we’d run the errand the next day and didn’t think any more of it. 

After literally laying on the couch in front of the TV all night Middle Sister decides 20 minutes before it was time for the ONE THING I said I wanted to do that day and throw a holy fucking fit about how I needed to go to the ATM immediately and she never agreed to the next day and again my mother sat there with her head in her hands and said nothing. The fact that it was almost 9pm and no banks were open so nothing could be done with the cash until the next day is a great example of how she throws a fit and yells about things that truly don’t matter just to inconvenience and fuck with me. 

Missing a TV show seems minor, and it is, the issue was and always has been Middle Sister going out of her way to be awful to me which has no just been inconveniences but has also cost me more money than I would have spent otherwise. 

There are more examples and stories of bullshit and shenanigans to be a miniseries or at least a really fucked up memoir and there will probably be an Auntagonist Part 2 at some point because why not. One weird thing is that as awful as she was to me, she has not been to my cousins even going to far as to buy them cartons of cigarettes when they were underage so they wouldn’t get in trouble again. Gotta love those pastor’s kids, right? 

There has never been and never will be anything resembling a normal aunt/nephew or familial relationship between me and Middle Sister and it doesn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is the undeniable hold over and control of my mother’s behavior and there’s part of me that wonders if the relationship between my mother and Middle Sister is responsible for my mother’s lack of relationship with her only grandchild. Considering everything that Middle Sister has done to sabotage and generally fuck with me during my life nothing would surprise me. She is truly that miserable and awful. 

Kittens in the Cradle

The 1974 classic Cat’s In The Cradle originally by Harry Chapin tells the story of a hard working father who is too busy for to spend time with his child while he’s growing up until he retires and wants to spend time with his son only to get the same answer.

“Sorry, too busy right now. Maybe someday.”

My mother has not seen her only grandchild in almost three years. The last time she saw her she was six weeks old and she’ll be three in a couple months.

That’s the current situation is in any conversation with my mother about whether she has any intention of coming to visit her only grandchild before she graduates kindergarten. At the moment it looks like *shakes Magic 8 Ball* don’t count on it. She is still unvaccinated, which is enough of an issue for me on its own, but more importantly she shows no interest in even wanting to try to visit and it’s very disappointing and it makes me sad for my daughter. 

When or if my mother ever sees her only grandchild again I have no idea how my daughter will react. Seeing the person she occasionally talks to on FaceTime may be underwhelming and she’ll be ready to move on after about 10 minutes. 

I wonder if my mother used up all her grandma energy on my cousin’s kids because it increasingly feels that way. 

The more time that passes the harder it is to care and I can sense that her only grandchild is headed the same direction. When you’re only the equivalent of a character on FaceTime every now and then you are more of an episode of some show that happens to be on. I wrote about this previously in What’s In A Name about how my paternal grandparents barely saw me growing up and it feels eerily similar to my mother’s relationship with her only grandchild. 

My Tiny Human knows she is loved and cared for and there are so many people who love and want to see her in person and some do and some are making plans to try and make that happen safely and I’m thrilled for that. I just wish my mother showed any level of interest beyond a half-hearted response that sounds like verbal hand wringing when I mention it. 

At this point I’m not mad, just disappointed. 

Only Child. Last Choice.

I have reached the age where the loss of a parent has moved from a thing (hopefully) way down the road to a thing that needs to be discussed with the relevant parties because that’s how time and the natural progression of age works. Over the last couple years several friends have lost a parent. Some have one parent left and for some both are now gone. For me, I only have one parent since I have not seen the other in over 30 years and the one I do have, my mother, has had one foot out the door of my life since I left home the second time in 2001. Not health-wise or physically just emotionally. Which feels worse. 

The feeling of being intentionally abandoned by a parent is, in my opinion, the same as being a once-beloved main character on a show and then being written off midseason with little to no explanation and being left with unanswered questions and unresolved plot lines. 

There are many specific examples and cringe-worthy stories to share but I’ll stick to one since I need to keep some back so I have other stuff to write about. 

The current situation goes back to the loss of a parent thing I mentioned above. Since we are living through a global pandemic and it’s approaching three years since my mother has seen her only grandchild (that she last saw when she was 6 weeks) old and still has no plans or intention to visit because of her responsibilities to her Real Family I have no idea if I will see her again myself. 

With all this in mind I decided to ask her if she had her affairs in order. She said she did. I asked who the executor would be so I would have an idea of what I needed to be ready for. I was then informed my mother had chosen her sisters instead of her only child because “I live too far away” since apparently she believes I would have to rely on the Pony Express or a similarly antiquated method of communication to handle anything. Please note that “too far away” is the six hour drive she won’t make to visit us which at the moment is irrelevant because she still refuses to get vaccinated. 

I’ll be honest, hearing that stung. It’s the most recent example of choosing her Real Family over me and I am sure that her middle sister is the one who told her to arrange it that way. It’s not like there is much to her estate to settle but that’s not the point. Regardless of her noble intentions of saving me from headache and hassle, it shows that she doesn’t trust me to handle it, or the more likely scenario, those around her convinced her that was the case. Considering the current state of my relationships with her middle and younger sisters I doubt I will have any extended interactions with them before or only for business after the necessary time. 

When you are an only child and your mother doesn’t choose you but chooses her sisters that she knows you don’t have any kind of relationship with over you it stings and it in no uncertain terms announces your place in her life vs. the importance of her Real Family. I don’t know why I expected anything different from her. I shouldn’t have and won’t in the future so it will be less of a let down when her actions don’t surprise me again.