Generational Differences

A few weeks ago my mother- in-law came to visit and her brought Joni a baby doll. Joni fell in love with her new doll immediately and named her after a character in a story she wants to hear over and over. 

A few days later in a sweet, quiet moment Joni tucked in her doll and was cooing sweetly to it in a soft loving voice. I posted a short video clip of it to social media and a dear, dear friend of mine mentioned that she thought it was wonderful and obvious that my daughter was modeling the treatment and behavior that she experienced. 

That struck me and made me think back to an experience in my childhood that I remember. I had finger puppets of Richard Scarry characters and was playing with them with one of my aunts and I vividly remember one incident. 

I was probably 3 or 4. We were playing with the finger puppets. I remember I had Lowly Worm and I don’t remember what the other one was. I don’t remember any of the other make-believe dialogue but I do remember that at one point I said, “I hate you! I’m mad at you!” and proceeded to use Lowly Worm to head butt the other finger puppet. 

I don’t remember exactly what my aunt said beyond some generic “oh no, don’t do that!”.

There was a lot of yelling and fighting in my house growing up. I do remember that. Lots of cussing and personal attacks and awful things said from parent to child and child to parent and while I don’t remember hitting and I’m not sure it never happened. 

I do remember my grandpa punching me full force in the face when I was about 4, but that’s another story. 

Religion, antiquated ideas on family structure, and shame is how I grew up. Looking back at that and who and what I am today it’s shocking - even to me - that I am a mostly normal functional member of society. 

There would be screaming and cursing Saturday night and then church on Sunday morning where, to the outside observer, it was the picture perfect christian family. It wasn’t always the worst but it wasn’t always the best either. 

Rules for the sake of rules and extreme sheltering from the big bad outside world was how they thought. You can’t fail if you don’t try so stick with the lowest possible idea and aim for that. No one in my family had gone to college so there was absolutely no guidance when it came time to think about college. 

My mother had pulled me out of the best school in Chicago to stick me in some bullshit private school and we had recently started attending an evangelical church. I had made some friends at the school but was still mostly ever allowed to socialize during school hours. I had started going to the youth group at the church so besides the wonky religious stuff from school I was now socializing with a peer group at the church that was largely sexually repressed teens, some of whom knew how to bend the rules more than others. I don’t want to get too far off topic here because each of the specific memories I have from that time could be it’s own Netflix series. 

Because I didn’t know any better, I chose the Bible college. I thought I knew what I was doing but in reality I had no idea at all what I was about to get myself into. 30 years later it’s easy to armchair quarterback what I could have or would have done differently but I didn’t. Along they way I made the best of sometimes shitty situations and I ended up in a pretty great place with an amazing partner and the Best Kid Ever. She even has a t-shirt that says so. 

I know what parts of my childhood and upbringing were not normal and I refuse to repeat and that’s what I want for Joni. To feel unconditional love and support in everything she is and does and wants to try and wants to be.

In my own situation, I only felt, and in realty only was, supported when it was something that my mother agreed with and more importantly, something that the rest of the family agreed with to the extent that there would be no, or at least minimal, conflict. 

As I was starting to think back on my own childhood and what some of my memories are I was aware that Joni is at that age or very close to it so I am especially aware of what I do and say around her and what I say to her and affirm all the time that she is perfect and loved so very much.